Weird Memories ,the next chapter...

Another chapter came into play in my life,and all seemed well. But as I soon learn,trouble was ahead and nothing me nor at the time God could change. Sometime certain things you tend to feel they need to ignore. Sometimes those simple things are the same things you need to embrace. I don't go too much in to detail because some of whom who reads this may feel offended or even hurt. I wonder how can a parent abandoned their child and feel they need to let them figure it out. Left to defend for themselves,but almost feel as though it was intentional. That child survived and to this day ,that person still may struggle to survive,but that person is strong in their will. From this point how do you forgive a parent who has done this? Do you just accept it and move on or do you live enraged by their actions. Of course I forgave and forgotten for awhile. Anyone who knew me said that I might have been selfish or ungrateful ,but i wasn't. I was hurt beyond the point where it seem almost senseless to love this kinda of person. May they not be well ,but coherent they were. Over the years many have also told me to appreciate this person because life is short,and again this person should have appreciated me instead of being the person who vented out to the world by abandoning their child and feeling almost no remorse regardless if they were well or not but they were coherent to know they were wrong,and far from right. Everyone again says forgive and forget,but sometimes you just don't have the will anymore to forgive. Obviously if these memories have now reappear,well its no mystery that I may never forgive. God knew ahead what life beholds us,why must I be challenge against my own,is my faith worth it.

Weird memories.....

OK this is not an everyday thing where my past wants to come and tells me"hey look at me remember me",But it did and I almost couldn't even explain how I felt next. Life can be one of those confusing things that tends to bite you in the ass when you least expect it.When it does, it hurts. Well traveling back as far as 1993 into 1994 where life had taken a turn I didn't want to proceed with. Being at the age that I was, still innocent and such,I could never understand things around me for what or what reason other than sadness. Of course my words are circling the subject because this was a difficult period in my life. Still mourning the lost of a dear friend to me ,my only sigh of relief was my family. Changes occurred and well that family split and became a mother,and the youngest of three sisters and me. We stayed with family,but turned out for the worst until my mother was able to get me and my sister a place for the three of us. The place felt empty and dead,and well kinda of scary for my age. This place made me appreciate every waking moment that I had before this. From this point on I had made it clear that I would keep to myself and distance any friendships,not only because of the lost of a friend,but the lost of many others I had accumulated from the move. I'd Transfer to a new school where I felt lost and just scared and wish I could just go back to the way things were. Yes I was picked on,called names,even jumped a few times getting off the bus in front of our apartment complex. They say when bad times happen you try to suppress awful memories,never understood why these memories have comeback and now almost haunt me daily. Anyway, during these days when I wasn't at school or running for my life,I was upstairs in a apartment with no a/c and really nothing to do. I would sit in front of the kitchen window sometimes and just stare out and study people as they were passing by. I also stared into the green trashy pool that I sometimes had wish had clean fresh water for me to swim in. God I wish for all of it to go away,pleaded and begged every night. Instead I laid in my own tears waiting for unanswered prayers to be answered. I was enraged with religion and everything that had to do with it,even when I did my first communion,I felt that I had put my effort in hopes that one day God would be there. As time progressed, it almost felt like a lost caused and I yearned for answers. Then again what could anyone say to a 9 year old boy who feels like they've lost everything,"have faith and believe that through thick and thin we all shall feel no more pain or sorrow,but joy and happiness" quoted from Father Davis. As time did move on it seemed like times were getting better,but they did get worse again. I was just given advice to basically be patient with God and life would turn around again,and I did just that. I can go on and on or even into detail of this mountain that I had to climb in order to feel happiness again,but nothing could predict the conflicts ahead of me and my family.

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Just Love.....

I just love when people read the words I have to write down on here or anywhere and become so envious that they think its about them. Every time this happens ,I just wanna send them the song by Carly Simon"You're So Vain",it makes me laugh to see how many people who actually are. Sorry if this offends,no intentions, but don't assume...



-words of wisdom from yours truly...

Gotta do it

Sick as fuck,yea my language sounds tough, I can go and on and on but be sure to follow me ,I might surprise with something new.....or just bore you with something that already been said...
How are you today my loves!