Socially not Accepted.

I always feel like I'm not accepted. I fill my life with things to occupy it just to feel like I have some feeling of a purpose in life. I keep to myself,I don't jump in a conversation, because if I do then there's that fear of becoming even less acceptable in the eyes of my peers. Sure I could be my usual silly dry self,but how long could that actually last.To many just a few moments,and to a few it could mold into a friendship,but more so just an acquaintance. Should I feel anger when others don't accept me,or glad they past and left me to not be worrisome about a possible rejection,just a rejection. However anybody wants to view my life from the outside would see I'm just this person who floats through life and eventually dies. No accomplishments,no voice,nothing,well except a decomposing worthless body.Yep that kid died because my organs were worthless to him.Even in death, I can't even come near to being accepted.

12 days of Christmas Fail

Do it yourself...

Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays

I will always just say Merry Christmas,But I will once in awhile say Happy Holidays.
Sometimes I think its absurd people getting mad or offended by simply saying Merry Christmas.
We call it a Christmas Tree,not a Holiday Tree. We call them Christmas Presents,not Holiday Presents. I think maybe I just have a HIGH tolerance to not be offended by all the small shit in this world. Why should we focus so much in this. I mean come on Mexico has Feliz Navidad,They've accepted it. Oh and spell check apparently hates Mexicans... Now I can understand why some would use Happy Holidays because of several Holidays are being celebrated and feel they shouldn't be out shined by old Saint Nick.Well so what,I've has a gentleman tell me Happy Hanukkah,didn't bother me really I even said well A Merry Christmas to you. He seemed fine and didn't throw a fit. Oh well let go of this egotistical thought on what greeting shall we cheer next.

Nevermind

Sometimes you come to a point where your mind just wonders and just wanna type,type about the silence created by the energy between us,the negative feeling makes me feel a feeling of doubt. What's next...

mee

editing my life...

Sometime you only wish you could rewind life and edit out parts in or out just for everything to make sense. If it were really that easy maybe I wouldn't be sitting here spilling out my every thought or feeling to any of you. What does any of this really have to do with life ,what does anything us have a major purpose in life. One day we may never find out,but die in sorrow.

Weird Memories ,the next chapter...

Another chapter came into play in my life,and all seemed well. But as I soon learn,trouble was ahead and nothing me nor at the time God could change. Sometime certain things you tend to feel they need to ignore. Sometimes those simple things are the same things you need to embrace. I don't go too much in to detail because some of whom who reads this may feel offended or even hurt. I wonder how can a parent abandoned their child and feel they need to let them figure it out. Left to defend for themselves,but almost feel as though it was intentional. That child survived and to this day ,that person still may struggle to survive,but that person is strong in their will. From this point how do you forgive a parent who has done this? Do you just accept it and move on or do you live enraged by their actions. Of course I forgave and forgotten for awhile. Anyone who knew me said that I might have been selfish or ungrateful ,but i wasn't. I was hurt beyond the point where it seem almost senseless to love this kinda of person. May they not be well ,but coherent they were. Over the years many have also told me to appreciate this person because life is short,and again this person should have appreciated me instead of being the person who vented out to the world by abandoning their child and feeling almost no remorse regardless if they were well or not but they were coherent to know they were wrong,and far from right. Everyone again says forgive and forget,but sometimes you just don't have the will anymore to forgive. Obviously if these memories have now reappear,well its no mystery that I may never forgive. God knew ahead what life beholds us,why must I be challenge against my own,is my faith worth it.

Weird memories.....

OK this is not an everyday thing where my past wants to come and tells me"hey look at me remember me",But it did and I almost couldn't even explain how I felt next. Life can be one of those confusing things that tends to bite you in the ass when you least expect it.When it does, it hurts. Well traveling back as far as 1993 into 1994 where life had taken a turn I didn't want to proceed with. Being at the age that I was, still innocent and such,I could never understand things around me for what or what reason other than sadness. Of course my words are circling the subject because this was a difficult period in my life. Still mourning the lost of a dear friend to me ,my only sigh of relief was my family. Changes occurred and well that family split and became a mother,and the youngest of three sisters and me. We stayed with family,but turned out for the worst until my mother was able to get me and my sister a place for the three of us. The place felt empty and dead,and well kinda of scary for my age. This place made me appreciate every waking moment that I had before this. From this point on I had made it clear that I would keep to myself and distance any friendships,not only because of the lost of a friend,but the lost of many others I had accumulated from the move. I'd Transfer to a new school where I felt lost and just scared and wish I could just go back to the way things were. Yes I was picked on,called names,even jumped a few times getting off the bus in front of our apartment complex. They say when bad times happen you try to suppress awful memories,never understood why these memories have comeback and now almost haunt me daily. Anyway, during these days when I wasn't at school or running for my life,I was upstairs in a apartment with no a/c and really nothing to do. I would sit in front of the kitchen window sometimes and just stare out and study people as they were passing by. I also stared into the green trashy pool that I sometimes had wish had clean fresh water for me to swim in. God I wish for all of it to go away,pleaded and begged every night. Instead I laid in my own tears waiting for unanswered prayers to be answered. I was enraged with religion and everything that had to do with it,even when I did my first communion,I felt that I had put my effort in hopes that one day God would be there. As time progressed, it almost felt like a lost caused and I yearned for answers. Then again what could anyone say to a 9 year old boy who feels like they've lost everything,"have faith and believe that through thick and thin we all shall feel no more pain or sorrow,but joy and happiness" quoted from Father Davis. As time did move on it seemed like times were getting better,but they did get worse again. I was just given advice to basically be patient with God and life would turn around again,and I did just that. I can go on and on or even into detail of this mountain that I had to climb in order to feel happiness again,but nothing could predict the conflicts ahead of me and my family.

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